Kickin' & Screamin'

As a performer, I always preferred a larger audience. Not because I wanted more people to see me (I mean….sure, I’m a bit of a ham….but that’s truly not why). Instead, it was because the more people in the audience, the less nervous I was. In a small room, performing in front of 15 people can be quite terrifying. You know that they are all looking at you, seeing your face twitch (a lovely thing my face tends to do when I’m nervous. It’s very attractive)…they see the sweat beads on your forehead. Honestly, they’re just a bit too close. Walking out on a huge stage with hundreds or (even better) thousands seated before you is a different rush all together. They are farther away…not able to see the twitching face and sweat beads. They sit as a sea of spectators….far enough away for comfort, yet there to see me. It’s an ego boost, a rush. And, of course, the biggest difference is the applause. When those 15 people applaud you, it feels a bit lacking. They could be beating their hands together with enough force to bruise them and it’s still just not enough to convince you that your performance was enough. It just sounds….sparse. But that big crowd makes you feel amazing. You could fall to the floor on your entrance, forget your lyrics, and accidentally blow spit down your chin and you’re still going to feel amazing when the applause hits. Even if only half of them clap as the other half sits in shock at what just happened, it’s still a lot of applause. It’s validation.

Yep. Validation.

I’ll never deny that I’ve thrived on it in the past. Validation. Acceptance. Affirmation.

I’ve come to notice in the past year or so….you know, the pandemic we’re all muddling through….that smaller audiences are suddenly more my style. When the world first shut down last March, my daughter became my audience. God bless her. She’s a patient, patient human. I didn’t handle the shelter in place well at first. I needed people. Friends. I needed my audience. Oh….my poor child. Don’t get me wrong, she was having fun. But due to the fact that she was 13 at the time, about to turn 14….she was, by the official law of all teenagers, fighting every urge to admit that her Mom was funny in any way. We made videos to post to social media….hoping to entertain our “audience”….as they were all quarantined as well. I was convinced that every person I knew through any social media platform needed a laugh, and I had somehow bestowed it upon myself to provide that laugh for them. I then went through my “famous painting re-creation” phase…where I would spent countless hours dressing up like people in historical artwork, adding a twist of humor–of course– and yes, Ella was my photographer. She somehow didn’t find it amusing at all when I insisted that she take at least 30 pictures of me in almost the same exact pose, so that I could go through all the pictures and choose my favorite.

I knew my audience was small….as my sense of humor is quite strange, and many people just don’t “get me.” But even if only a handful of people laughed, it was worth it. It was worth making my small audience happy. We needed that. We still do.

Last fall, I think I found the perfect platform for a dork like myself. I found TikTok. Please don’t judge. Just hear me out.

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. TikTok is for kids. Teenagers. They shake their butts to highly inappropriate songs and laugh at stuff only a teenager would find funny. Yes….that’s a big part of it. And that’s why I first signed up for my account…to stalk my child. I had allowed her to have a TikTok and I needed to know what she was watching. And I must say that every parent needs to do the same. There’s some horrifically freaky crap out there that your child does NOT need to be participating in. But I’m super blessed. My child defers from eating Tide pods and watching people be bullied. She’s uplifting and positive. She pretends to still think boys are gross, yet talks about them on the car ride home from school every day.

I had a plan. I started my TikTok account, only to check out her “stuff” and browse a bit. And I did exactly that for about nine days. Then it occurred to me that I could have an audience there. I could be the complete idiot that I am and post my craziness for the world to see. Most people would hesitate a while over this concept. Most people would worry that people would just make fun of them, laugh at them in “the wrong way” or just refuse to watch at all. But my brain skips over that nonsense. If there’s an opportunity to act a fool and share the foolishness, I’m in. I had struck gold. I found my audience. Right smack dab in the middle of a pandemic.

Of course, a large part of this decision was due to the fact that I had found what the youngsters call “old people TikTok.” I discovered that there were thousands of Moms, thousands of women my age doing exactly what I wanted to do….be myself in all my goofiness. I wasn’t alone! There were women over 50….laughing and having fun. Being humorously honest about raising teenagers. Laughing about how imperfect we all are. I had found my people.

My plan was to keep my TikTok from Ella. I decided to wait until after Christmas to spring the news on her….”guess what? I’ve got TikTok and 27 people think I’m kinda funny.” I knew she wouldn’t be openly impressed or proud, because–once again–that’s against the official law of all teenagers. But I thought she might think–deep down in her soul– that it was just a tad bit cool.

I waited until right before Christmas….not making it as long as I had originally intended (I rarely do)…and sprung the news on her. “Ella…guess what I’ve done? I signed up for TikTok! And I have about a thousand followers! Isn’t that a HOOT? Pretty cool, right??”

“Ummm…Mom, I’ve known about your TikTok for several weeks. You know, your voice really carries. I heard you talking about it in the kitchen like a month ago. And one time when you and me were in the backseat of the car together, you checked your TikTok and I saw the reflection in the car window. But yeah…I guess it’s cool. But Mom, you KNOW that you’re weird, right? I mean…sometimes I just don’t think you’re as funny as YOU think you are. I don’t have to follow you on TikTok, do I?? Can that just be YOUR thing?”

Alrighty then.

Dang.

Took me a good fifteen minutes to shake that off, then I got right back up on my A-game and continued on my quest to entertain my small audience. I love all the voice-over stuff. Remember when we were kids and we’d lip sync in front of the mirror to our favorite albums? I spent a LOT of time in my bedroom lip syncing to Toni Tennille and Marie Osmond. LOTS of time. Carly Simon, Joan Jett (had to put on the leather jacket for her stuff)….I was the master lip sync queen.

Years later, as a music teacher, I ironically had the rule of “NO LIP SYNCING” when it came time for talent show auditions. Kids were always wanting to lip sync for their talent show act. I’d explain to them…”that’s not really a talent. Can you actually SING for me? Or choose another talent? Sorry….no lip syncing.” HUH….little did I know.

Here I am, a 51 year old grown-ass woman….lip syncing things that I think are funny, to post on a platform for the world to see. My sincere apologies to all of those kids who wanted to lip sync their favorite Harry Styles song, only to be given a big fat NO from their teacher. My bad.

After working hard on the lip syncing and trying to be funny….I one day decided to make a video of myself at a local store. I found some spices that I thought were funny, due to the name, and wanted to share my find on video. I almost didn’t post it because it wasn’t “staged” or funny or a “TikTok trend.” It was just me. Being me. But I decided to post my little clip right before I went to bed one night in early December. The next morning, I awoke to over a hundred thousand views on that post (as opposed to the maybe 200 or 250 I’d usually get!)….WHAAAAT? It was a hoot. People thought it was funny….probably because they were hearing my real voice for the first time…saying “shit” (that’s in the name of the spices…the whole reason I found it to be funny)….just being me. My followers from other parts of the country were probably laughing at my southern drawl. I didn’t care. I just thought it was fun to have an audience. To this day, that video got more views than anything else I’ve done. Just me being the dork I truly am.

My main audience is my Mother, a few close friends, and about 2,500 random strangers who may or may not just be making fun of me. Ella still doesn’t follow me. However, I do show her an occasional video that I think she might like, and a few times she’s even giggled a little. I’ve even received a “good job, Mom” a time or two. I’m not famous nor will I ever be. But I have a little audience that I enjoy.

If it weren’t for TikTok, I might have resorted to stand up comedy by now…which would most definitely be a disaster. That in-person audience would be there….and it would be very, very small. They’d see the twitching face and beads of sweat. And they’d be hearing some really corny jokes that I seriously doubt would be applauded. WHEW. I’m twitching and sweating just thinking about it.

I’ve shared all this nonsense to say this: DO YOU HAVE AN AUDIENCE? If so….what do you share with them? Your audience might just be those you live with, or those you work with. A small (or large) group of friends–who you might not be seeing as often as you like, with the world the way it is. Your audience might be social media. And I can’t leave out the possibility of you simply being your own audience. Here’s what matters….WHAT do you do for your audience? Do you try your best to provide some laughter? Positivity? Encouragement? Do you try to provide a distraction for those who might need it more than you could imagine? I’m not suggesting that you walk around like a clown trying to make everyone laugh every minute of the day. But do you uplift your audience in YOUR own way? EVEN IF YOUR ONLY AUDIENCE IS YOURSELF?

I cracked a joke in line at a drug store a few days ago…a really bad joke. The cashier laughed, but seemed to have tears in her eyes. Sad tears. I felt like a complete fool for about two seconds until she said “you have no idea how bad I needed that laugh.” I don’t know what she was going through, but she was my tiny audience for a couple of minutes. And I’d like to think that I brightened her day just a tad.

You might not be a performer….but you DO have an audience. You always have an audience. Your actions, your words, even the expression on your face (though hard to see through masks these days) is being shown to an audience.

Make it a good performance. Doesn’t have to be funny…but can be positive, uplifting, and encouraging. YOU might be the only person to be kind to someone today. YOUR smile might be the only smile someone sees today. And because of that mask you are wearing to the grocery store…you might just have to show that smile in another way. Through a kind word, simply holding the door for someone. Saying thank you.

Thank YOU for being my small audience today as you read my words. I appreciate you…more than you know.

Oh, and if you happen to enjoy a corny post on the “Old Mom” side of TikTok now and then….look me up… @kickinandscreamin. I’d love to have you be a part of my small audience there, as well.

‘Cause YOU….my small audience, mean the world to me.

God Bless.