Merry Christmas, all! My hope is that you’ve all had a blessed and happy holiday with your families. But no doubt….there’s someone out there who has barely made it through…for the holidays can be hard for many. Some of you might be barely hanging on…
“Hang on.” It’s a short phrase I’ve said to myself a thousand times. I bet you’ve said it too. Just keep hanging on. As the year comes to an end, I realize this common phrase has two meanings to me. The many times I’ve mumbled it to myself, I was telling myself to keep on going. Don’t give up. Assuring myself that I CAN do this….whatever the task might be. The phrase has brought me some comfort, brought me some assurance –as I tended to believe that I could indeed hang on and keep moving forward, if only a little bit. It’s also brought me frustration, as I have often found myself sick of hearing it. I remember getting angry a couple of years ago, after going through the loss of my husband, when a friend with good intentions sent me a card through the mail. It had a little frog on it, barely hanging on to a branch. The message on the outside of the card said “Hang in there!” It infuriated me. Was she really telling me to hang in there? How dare she? After what I just went through? Then I opened the card to see the rest of the message, which said “God’s got this.” At the bottom, was the scripture Philippians 4:13, I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
I was humbled. I was ashamed. I was quickly sorry for feeling anger towards my friend, who truly wanted to help. The card that, at first, I wanted to throw in the trash ended up on my refrigerator for the following year. Many evenings, after a rough day, I would look at that silly little red-eyed frog, and I’d say to him….”I did,” as I gave him a fist pump or a high five. I didn’t care how insane I felt talking to and high-fiving a greeting card on my fridge. For, I had hung in there another day. Those days became weeks, months, and now a couple of years of hanging in there. And, I guess this so called “hanging” is indeed good for the heart, as I have grown stronger. Those three words that used to rub me the wrong way now come out of my mouth quite a bit, as I often notice that I’m saying them to others. I do, however, try to always follow up those words with a reminder that “God’s got this.” Sometimes I even add on ….. “trust me, I know.” I do know. I really do.
As the year comes to an end, I think of the second meaning of the much used phrase, “Hang on.” I think of things that we hang on to. Either literally, or within our hearts and mind. Many of us, including myself, often do a year-end clean out. We go through things that we’ve hung on to for a bit too long. Whether it be clothes in out closets or other items around the house, the end of the year brings on a desire to declutter. Maybe we’re making more room for the things we’re about to accumulate through Christmas. Perhaps we yearn to greet the new year with less “stuff” and more hope. More dreams. More excitement for what is to come.
And often, the year end brings sadness. To many, the arrival of New Years Eve brings a feeling of bleakness. Some of us feel lonely. Some feel scared…not knowing what the new year will bring. And some feel emptiness, because things they have held on to have somehow not fulfilled them as they’d hoped. And for many of us, the year end brings a revelation that we simply need to let go of some things that we’ve held on for too long. Our heart convinces us that it’s time….the end of the old year, the beginning of a new one–what better time to let go, and STOP holding on.
Hold on! HOLD ON! We tell ourselves that so often. But when that time comes, to finally let go….it can be quite a moment. To do the opposite of holding on….to LET GO.
As I write, I ask myself…WHAT have I had to finally let go of? What have I held on to for too long? With a tight grip? Convincing myself that I’m simply not ready or able to let go?
Anger….most definitely. Anger over what happened in my life. Anger at God. Anger at everything. Anger that ate me up, from the inside out. It crippled me for weeks, then months. Then one night almost two years ago, I laid on the floor in my bathroom and cried until I felt it leave. I felt it leave my body, and I have no doubt where it went. It went to God Himself, who took it from me, and replaced it with hope. Never, EVER had letting go of something hurt so bad, yet felt so amazing. So comforting. So right.
The hope of a perfect life. I wish I could say I was smart enough to have never expected this. I mean, nothing is perfect…right? But for a very short time, I felt like I had it….and when we have something we love for a short while, we quickly get used to it. It becomes a habit. And if it’s a good habit, we want it to last forever. Not only did it not last, but it spiraled downhill so fast I thought I’d never recover from the fall. But I did, and in doing so I realize that perfection is a pipe dream. I no longer expect perfection, and I thrive in the chaos that is absolutely NOT perfection in my life. I have so much imperfection going on now, it’s become my new habit. My new happy. I’m the farthest from perfect that you’ll ever find, and that is totally okay. This actually makes me think of another thing that many of us humans need to let go of….and that’s caring about what others think. WHO CARES? Why do so many of us waste so much of our lives worrying about what others think of us? I’ve learned to make decisions that make me happy, and that are best for my daughter. Then, like a contestant on a game show who has bet everything, jumping up and down, hoping they’ve make the right decision that will win them the big prize….I smile and jump in with both feet. If I fail, OH WELL…..I’m still alive and I’m still happy. Did I look like an idiot? Absolutely!!! Do I lay awake at night and worry about what others think? Nope.
There are things I will hold on to forever….pieces of my life before. They might be physical items that make me smile when I look at them, or memories that I pray I’ll never lose.
And there are things that I’ve had to let go. Both physical items and memories. Feelings, opinions, even people.
It’s okay. It’s okay to let go. HANG ON as long as you can, as hard as you can. And then, do the exact opposite. Just let go. LET GO of whatever it is….then don’t look back and wonder if you did the right thing. You did.
As 2019 ends, I’m still hanging in there. I’m the frog who looks like I’m about to fall off the limb at any minute. But my secret is, my grip is actually stronger than it looks. My hiney might be dangling in the air, but I got this. And better–GOD’S got this.
I look forward to 2020. I look forward to how much my daughter will grow and change. I look forward to new opportunities, perhaps even new people.
I’ll screw up, no doubt. I’ll make stupid mistakes, and yet another year will pass by without me being the recipient of the “Best Decision Maker” award. Oh well….it’s all good.
Hang in there!
…..then, Let Go
God Bless!
Kickin' & Screamin' 