Kickin' & Screamin'

Insomnia. Despicable Insomnia.  You know it’s not true, but your brain convinces you that you are the only one in your part of the world who is not sleeping.  Everyone else is having nice, nice dreams about wonderfully pleasant things, and you are standing in the middle of the living room floor at 3:00 am, pondering on whether or not you should rearrange the furniture.

That is actually what I have done on many occasions.  It’s amazing how quiet I can be while moving a couch.  I enjoy the look on my husbands face when he stumbles through (after his nice, nice night of peaceful sleep), gets his coffee then heads towards his favorite leather chair…which is now replaced by a nice plant.

I don’t have this curse of insomnia often, due to my bottle of pleasant little pills called Ambien.  I am convinced, however, that an up-to-no-good person employed at my local pharmacy slips a placebo or two into each of my bottles.  Why they would be so cruel to me, I do no know.  But I’m certain of it.  When I go in the pharmacy, I give them all the crook eye, and sometimes mumble “I’m watching you” as they pour the little pills into the bottle.  When they turn to look at me, I look away and pretend to be thumbing through the People magazine by the register.  I will find the culprit.  I will find them.

When I can’t sleep, it’s like a little movie is playing in my head.  A movie titled “Odd and Extremely Random Pieces of Mary’s Life.”  I will lay there trying so hard to feel the tiniest bit of sleep enter my body, and suddenly I’m remembering the time I was in Sears with my Mom.  I was about nine and I was trying to learn how to blow a really big bubble with my two huge pieces of grape Hubba Bubba.    As we stood at the counter in the catalog order department, I blew a little too hard and my grape bubble gum flew out of my mouth, covered in spit, and landed on the rather snooty woman’s hand.  I flip the pillow to the cool side and roll over, wondering why in the world I suddenly remembered that particular embarrassing event, then I start experiencing this insane mixture of memories, one after the other, running through my head.  I lay there thinking of my childhood friend who was always orange because her Mother put Mercurochrome on everything.  I think of the time I lost my balance and dumped an entire pineapple upside down cake into the bottom of my Mother’s freshly cleaned oven.  I then recall the group of boys that dressed up like The Village People and lip-synced “YMCA” at the school talent show.  I wonder what ever happened to them….I think about how I’m friends with only one of  them on Facebook.

Yes, Facebook.  That’s what I’ll do.  I log on and start to read various statuses, some of them made an hour ago, 30 minutes ago, telling me that I’m not the only one awake.  This makes me feel better, so I decide to try again.  I head down the hallway to our bedroom and crawl back in.

The snoring emerging from my husband is so much louder now.  Jessie, our largest dog, is also in the room….and every now and then they snore at the same time…staying in sync for a few snores.  The fact that I am entertained by this is not a good sign.   I could wake him, but I decide to go empty the dishwasher instead.  While in the kitchen I realize I’m hungry.  I stand there trying to decide if I can open a box of Triscuits silently.  I feel confident that I can do it.  I stare at the box, and decide that if I move very slowly, no one will hear me. I go for it.  I open the outer box with no problems….sliding my finger under the cardboard flap.  It was the damn plastic-like bag on the inside of the box that got me.  I touched that bag with one finger and within 2 seconds I had four dogs and a cat standing at my feet.  Our smallest dog, the one who freakishly barks when she anticipates a bite of food, started up.  Her high-pitched bark rang through the house like a siren.  I had been caught.  I grabbed a handful, shared with the herd of animals, and jammed the box back in the cabinet.

I decide I will now attempt sleep on the couch (which is now on the wall where the desk used to be).  I conclude that the best thing to do is to go through the alphabet, and think of things I am thankful for, beginning with each letter.  A-Animals.  B-Broccoli.  C-Children.  D-Dogs (yes, redundant to Animals, but it’s 4:37 am)…..I get about halfway through and I start to feel it….sleep.  I get excited…it’s coming.  I’m going to be asleep by 4:45.  I snuggle up with my couch pillows, then I feel another impending urge.  I have to pee.  SON OF A *******!!!!!!

While in the bathroom, I somehow think of the song “Paradise” by Coldplay.  I think of how it sounds like Chris Martin is saying “Pair-of,  Pair-of, Pair-of-Dice”….which make me think of dice, which make me think of Monopoly (we had just played it with our daughter), and the Monopoly made me think of money, which made me remember that I had a couple of bills to pay.  I get back online, pay the water bill and the gas bill.  I get a little distracted and read an article about the benefits of apple cider vinegar.  By now it’s after 5:00.  On a Sunday morning.

A definite nap is in my future….and I must make sure to enjoy some quality family time, church, and make it day that can be labeled “well spent.”  For, as Leonardo Da Vinci said, “A well spent day brings happy sleep.”

We shall see…..   🙂