Kickin' & Screamin'

I decided to do some cleaning today…which apparently shocked my child.  As I swept up enough dog hair to weave at least two sweaters, she entered the room and said, “are we having company?”  I’ll have her know I just swept a couple of days ago….perhaps she just missed it.  I’m actually a bit of a clean freak by nature….but living with a man, an eight year old, four dogs and a cat can make a natural clean freak throw up her hands and surrender.  And by “surrender” I mean pour a glass of wine, find the cleanest room in the house, and just hide for a while. If the cleanest room in the house happens to be the bathroom, so be it.  It’s like that silly quote I recently saw…”Cleaning your house with children (and a man) is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.”

I recently ran across a Wiki-How article titled How To Clean Your House.  Who the heck writes these things?  The most amazing part is that it had been viewed over 640,000 times.  My child might get excited with the hopes of company when I sweep, but damn….if this article has truly been viewed that many times….and even a tiny percentage of those viewers were truly seeking advice on how to clean their house….well, that just blows my mind.  I will admit that I did read the article, for the sole purpose of making fun of it.  Maybe that’s what everyone else was doing too.  I will say, as I was perusing this piece of mind-blowing internet material…I had a good time combining the author’s expert advice with the reality of how things really work out for most of us working Moms.

Let me just share a couple of the key points of this riveting article with you all….and let’s just add a dash of reality, shall we?

1.  Decide how clean you want your house to be and how much time you have.  OK, well….I want my house to be spotless and I have about four minutes a day to devote to this dream.  Moms, you know what I mean.  The dream of NOT finding a blob of Play-Doh in the dryer with your favorite sweater.  The dream of NOT stepping on a Lego with bare feet in the middle of your bedroom.  The dream of NOT slipping on a pile of dog barf, falling all the way to the floor, then finding a half-eaten bowl of grits under the sofa while you are laying there.

2. Always have a cleaning checklist and a plan of attack.  They go on to suggest that you choose what rooms you plan to start and finish your cleaning in.  They chose the bathroom as their room of focus.  I especially like the part of the article on cleaning the bathroom mirrors.  Did you know that, as an alternate to spraying the glass cleaner directly onto the mirror, you can spray the cleaner on a paper towel first, then clean the mirror with that paper towel?  Freaking mind boggling.  I guess I’m not one to judge, though…considering that I recently had to use a paint scrape to get an unidentified object off the bathroom mirror.  I found the cleaning “checklist” to be a little funny.  What if I really wrote everything down that I needed to do?  The list would be longer than the receipt I get when I go to CVS.

The article goes on to share some super cool suggestions….such as: Do the laundry with a washing machine or by hand. They also suggest that you dry your laundry after washing it.  (whaaaat???)  The words “elbow grease”  and “pleasing air fresheners” are peppered throughout the article….which ended in a statement that suggested that, after your housework is done, you “spray a nice room scent, sit back and admire your work.”

So, after making fun of this article, I decided I would clean.  As I write this, my house looks pretty good….and yes, I DID sit back and admire my work. I even lit a nice, nice candle for a special touch. Incidentally, the cat’s whiskers are now singed off the left side of his face. I do believe a lesson was learned by both of us…as the candle is now in a higher location….but, I digress.  My floors are clean, clutter is organized, dishes are done….I even bathed one of the dogs, which may have eliminated that unidentified odor that had us puzzled all week.

I will sign off with a few other Wiki-How titles that I have found (real stuff, y’all)….as I state the obvious–some people have WAY too much time on their hands, and they think the rest of us are complete idiots.

*How To Attract People to Buy Your Bird

*How To Be Like A Fox

*How To Become Friends With A Squirrel

*How To Make Your Ears Grow Bigger

*How To Be A Hot Latina

*How to Have A Naked Day At Home

*How To Be Inspired By Clouds

and lastly….

*How To Find A Crop Dusting School

Don’t be discouraged, y’all.  Whatever you need to learn, Wiki-How has it taken care of.  Goodnight, and Happy New Year.