Kickin' & Screamin'

It happened.  It happened tonight.  About 30 minutes ago.  My girl snuggled up next to me on the sofa and we began talking about the upcoming holidays.  I told her it was about time for her to give me her Christmas list.  Since she was tiny, she’s always made a list of things she hoped to get for Christmas, with a separate list for my Mom, and of course the biggest list for Santa.  I remember struggling to read her handwriting when she was little, having her read through the lists for me so I’d know what her childlike spelling actually said.   I remember each phase so well.  My Little Pony, Hello Kitty, American Girl, all things mermaid, oversized stuffed animals, and most recently–Legos.

So, I asked Ella if we could start making her list tonight.  She’s still in to Legos, and is emerging into the clothes and make-up phase.  I remember that phase so well, and only wish I could have pulled it off as gracefully as Ella does.  I remember my first eyeshadow kit so well, circa 1980.  So many shades of blue.  It was simply glorious.  But I digress….

After discussing a few items that she might like to have, I asked her if she wanted to go ahead and write her Santa letter.  That’s when the music started playing.  It was only in my head, of course, but it was dramatically emotional music that would play during the most intense and tear jerking moment of the most heartfelt movie you’ve ever seen.  “Mommy, you know I’m growing up,” she said….the music grew louder.  Nooooo….please don’t say it, PLEASE don’t say it.  “I know you’re really Santa, Mommy.  I know it’s you.”

MAJOR crescendo in the music, cue the violins.

I denied it, of course, telling her that Santa is most definitely real, but the stubborn girl wore me down just like she usually does.

I cried.  Ella hugged me and I told her I wasn’t ready for my girl to grow up.  After more crying and lots of giggling as the moment somehow turned in to a tickle fight, we agreed that “Santa” would still visit….whether it be me or the old guy with the beard, we just needed Santa.  Mainly, Mommy needs Santa.

There are things in life we just need to believe in.  Things we need to hang on to….whether or not we truly believe those things are real.  The truth is, if I spend too long thinking about all the REAL things in this world, I get horribly depressed and truly scared.  When I think about the hunger, abuse, violence, and tragedy going on in this world, I become terrified.  I get so scared, I start to shake.  I start to feel guilty about the many wonderful blessings in my life, and how so many people in this world will never even own a pair of shoes or know what it’s like to go 24 hours without being abused.  It scares the hell out of me.  So I just pray.  I pray, and I do as many kind things as I can.  I try to pay it forward every day, whether in a tiny way, or something big.  If I could have any super power in the world, it would be to fly over every hurting person and animal in this world and zap every bit of pain away, and replace it with a feeling of love and contentment that would last forever…growing stronger and stronger every day.

So, how do we survive this truly scary world?  I think we all have a “Santa.”  Something that we believe in.  Something that keeps us going.  We might know deep down that we’re fooling ourselves, but if believing helps us get through our days, who cares?   Believing in something makes us feel like everything’s going to be okay.  The thought of our belief not being real is scary, and we don’t need any more scary.

I believe in smiling at strangers.  I believe that imagination can often reach farther than reality, which–by definition, makes me a romantic.  And yes, after all I’ve endured and proudly survived, I still believe in love.  I believe in a promising future.

The sadness in the world isn’t going to go away.  The hunger and pain will be there.  But   to stay strong and healthy for our loved ones–emotionally and mentally–we must find ways to thrive in the good, and do what we can to prevent the bad.  Pray for people.  Pay it forward.  Smile at people.  Say thank you.  And believe in good things.  Find your Santa–what you believe in– and NEVER stop believing.  Don’t ever stop believing.

Santa will live in this house as long as Ella is here.  Maybe even longer than that.  I need Santa and the joy that he brings.  On a clear night near Christmas eve, you might even find me standing outside looking towards the sky….certain that I’ll hear those sleigh bells.  I feel certain that I will.

Believe in love. Believe in magic. Hell, believe in Santa Clause. Believe in others. Believe in yourself. Believe in your dreams. If you don’t, who will?  ~Jon Bon Jovi