Kickin' & Screamin'

At first, I was shocked to realize that my last blog was July 23…over five months ago.  But then I remembered, that’s about the time the end started drawing near.

I knew Keith had depression when I married him.  I had somehow always found myself attracted to troubled souls.  He was stable, seemed happy, and seemed to be head over heels in love with me, as I was him.  So, six short weeks after dating, I said yes.  Yes to his proposal, and yes to living with a man with depression that, in the 16 years to come, scared me more than I knew I could be scared.

This blog post is not about Keith’s depression, or even about him necessarily….but about new beginnings.  I have never, in my 48 years on this earth, been so happy to say goodbye to a year.  I never wanted to have to be as strong as I’ve become.  But I do intend on carrying this strength over in the new year and using it at full potential.  Keith is now at peace, having made his final decision on September 2.  Frankly, I deserve to be at peace too, as does our child, and we will continue to learn how to do so in this upcoming year.

So, new beginnings.  A highly overused phrase this time of year.  Most of us repeat the same old resolutions every year, knowing good and well very little of it will happen.  Lose weight (that’s got to me the most popular, right?), get in shape, be positive, make more money, get that promotion, quit smoking, blah blah blah.  I get sick of hearing it all, honestly.

In a recent article on news.sky.com, the top 10 New Years resolutions were listed, along with a percentage of how many people made them number one on their list.  Let me just add my two cents worth to there…..

1. Lose weight– 48%   That’s all fine and dandy if you are truly doing it for you.  I’m sickened at the amount of people that attempt to lost weight to please someone else. Do it for you.  If you are happy the way you are, and your health isn’t at risk, then stay the way you are.  Your weight is your business.
2. Exercise more– 41%    I’m an exerciser, because it makes me feel good.  Everyone should exercise, because of that.  NOT to “get skinny” or to compete with your friend who can run faster and longer than you do.  Again, do it for you.  Quit trying to outdo everyone in your life.  That’s ridiculous.  Run because it makes you feel amazing.  NOT because you want to post your distance on Facebook then sit around and see how many likes and comments you get–hoping it will make you feel even better about yourself.
3. Save more money– 32%  Good for you!!!  But are you saving it just to blow it all on your new paintball guns or big-ass tires for your truck?  Eh….you’re defeating the purpose.  Saving for your children?  Their future?  Then you go on with your bad self and keep up the good work.
4. Improve diet– 31%  Yeah…you just said that because you’ve been eating like a starving wild hog since Thanksgiving, and you have a sense of guilt within you….telling you that everything will be okay if you just start eating more broccoli and less cake.  Just get your act together, throw out the rest of that pie and make good choices.  Quit announcing that you are “improving your diet”….cause everyone’s going to be laughing at you they next time they see you at the Dairy Queen.
5. Something else– 22%  Um….okay.  That’s super specific.  I guess this leaves the door wide open for someone like me to imagine what this particular group of people are thinking about when they say “something else.”  I suppose some people would like to gain the strength to stop hiding in the laundry room while eating all the secret boxes of Girl Scout Thin Mints that they purchased without their family knowing.  Perhaps some people want to quit a habit that no one knows they have…therefore linking it into the “something else” category.  Maybe they sniff glitter, eat cardboard, snack on their cat’s food…who knows.  Perhaps they are only one tweak away from applying to be on “My Strange Addiction”….but truly feel like they might get a grip on their issues in this new year.  I mean, I totally get it.  Maybe this WILL be the year that this group of individuals finally get over their desire to eat petunias, drink fingernail polish, or put mothballs in their scrambled eggs.  More power to them.  Good luck with all that.
6. Pursue a career ambition– 15%.  Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but if you really wanted that new career, you would have already gone for it.  Stop fooling yourself and everyone around you.  If you really mean it, get out there tomorrow and make stuff happen.  Seriously.   Prove me and everyone else wrong….but don’t just talk about it.  Don’t just dream about it.  Do it.
7. Spend more time with family….a sad 14%.  Do you truly love being around your family?  If so, then yes–get your butt in gear and see them.  Have dinner, laugh, share memories.  Make more memories.  If you truly dislike them, and you only feel obligated to see them because they are in your family….stop wasting your time.  Trust me.  “Family” is defined by the people who truly love you and want to spend time with you.  You should never feel obligated to spend time with people–blood related or not.  And they shouldn’t feel obligated to spend time with you.
8. Take up a new hobby– 12%   OK…..WHAT new hobby do you desire to do, that is so intriguing that you’ve made it into a New Years resolution??  Knitting?  Basket weaving?  Sky Diving?  Scrapbooking?  Vegetable gardening?  Yodeling??  The word “hobby” annoys me…..and the phrase made popular by an Atlanta woman a few years ago comes to mind…as she made her debut on the news, saying “ain’t nobody got time for that.”  Maybe I’m just jealous.  Maybe I actually need to find a new hobby….you know, in all my free time.
9. Decorate at home– 11%.  LOL, okay…..you get right on that.  In all your free time with all your extra money.  OK, I’m staring to get sarcastic now…..
10. Cut down on alcohol– 9%.  Yeah, I should stop right here with my opinions.

I guess my point (which I almost forgot) is that, resolutions are stupid.  But New Beginnings are not.  When you’ve had a year like I just survived, you live, breathe and thrive over the possibilities of new beginnings.  You begin to smother and feel like your lungs are shrinking when you ponder on what you’ve been through in the past twelve months.  Your lungs begin to open again when you realize that a new year is spread out in front of you, like a blank canvas.

My blank canvas is HUGE….the biggest that can be found.  And on that canvas, I’m going to paint with huge brushes.  I’m going to use loud, bright, vibrant colors.  I’m going to paint scenes of me and my daughter, laughing.  Loud, deep belly laughs.  Laughs like we missed out on in the past year.  I’ll paint pictures of new people in my life, in which I plan to make new memories.  I’ll paint pictures of my dear friends who love me and who have always been by my side.  I’ll paint a picture of my Mother, supporting me and laughing with me.  I’ll paint hearts and smiley faces and I’ll throw in some unicorns just for my daughter.  It will be a beautiful canvas.  It will represent a new year, a new life, and new beginnings.

I hope you will all paint amazing things on YOUR blank canvas.  I wish you all great happiness, peace, love, and laughter that gets so out of control that you pee a little.  That’s the best kind.

Hugs to all, and a very blessed new year…

Mary