My daughter and I recently spent nice little afternoon together…some shopping and a late lunch. In the restaurant, we sat near a table of four older women…my guess would be that they were in their seventies, maybe early eighties. All four of them had big, tall, bright colored drinks with little umbrellas. I hope to God that all four of them weren’t drinking alcohol, because these women were a big enough handful sober. I’m certain that at least one of them was hard of hearing, as they all felt the need to yell. Even though they had been at their table before we arrived, they did not order until much later. Three of them ordered the exact same thing….grilled chicken served with cheddar mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli. The fourth woman just couldn’t decide what she wanted. She really wanted a burger, but she was certain that the restaurant would over cook it. She stated loudly, “if you leave it on there just a few seconds too long, it will taste like a rubber tire, and you know it!” After telling the waitress she needed more time, twice, she finally settled on Cajun jambalaya pasta….saying that it was probably gonna “tear her up”, but she’d take a chance.
We have no way of knowing who Earl is, but these woman were not happy with him. He was the topic of their conversation for at least 20 minutes. Earl had apparently told one of the women he’d fix something, and he still hadn’t fixed whatever it was he was supposed to fix, and boy–they were letting him have it. One woman stated that she blamed it on the new “hussy” that Earl had been hanging out with. Another women said, “well, it shouldn’t have anything to do with that hussy….he could have come and fixed it while she was at work. You know she works at Macy’s in the men’s department….and you KNOW how she flirts with all those men and talks them into buying all sorts of stuff they don’t even need.”
After a few more low blows at Earl, the indecisive woman who ordered the pasta asked for a new fork, stating that she was pretty sure she saw lipstick on the one she’d been given. We learned at this point that her name was Peggy, as her friend yelled “that’s YOUR lipstick, Peggy! You just used that fork!” They all thought this was real funny and got so tickled that one of them–not Peggy– got up and hobbled to the restroom, sort of keeping her legs together as she went.
My daughter and I were thoroughly enjoying this show, and giggled our way through our meal. We knew at one point that all four women were indeed drinking when they ordered another round, then passed each of their drinks around the table so everyone could taste each one….to decipher if they thought one was stronger than the other. Peggy was certain that her drink wasn’t as strong as the others….but, after much deliberation, decided not to say anything to the waitress.
As we were preparing to leave, we listened in a bit more, to hear that the conversation had turned back to Earl. The woman with the biggest, grayest hair shouted, “it should be against the law to be that stupid!” Another, whose back was to us, agreed with “he should have to pay a fine or serve jail time!” They all laughed so hard that the woman with the apparent bladder issue got back up and hobbled to the bathroom again.
Several things about this foursome of old friends made me happy. They seemed to have a bond that went back many years. I had a feeling that this loud gathering took place often, showing that they made an effort to schedule time together, which is more than I can say about myself. I loved their individuality. Unlike my own mother, who has a style of her own and never even thought about looking or acting her age, two of these ladies had what most would call a “typical look” of women that age–with the short, gray, permed-looking little hairdos (though one was exceedingly teased out), polyester pants with a button up print shirt, and sparkling white sneakers. One had hair dyed such a deep red that it bordered on fuchsia, with large navy blue hoop earrings. Peggy’s hair was super short….and dyed super blond. She wore a brightly colored muumuu dress, and wore the most make-up. The reason I was able to get such a good look at these ensembles was due to the fact that they all got up from the table at one point, and walked over to the window, pointing and carrying on loudly about something in the parking lot. It wasn’t clear, but I was hoping at this point, that they were watching to see if their designated driver was out there.
It must sound as though I sat and stared at these women throughout our whole meal, but I actually did not. They were just that noticeable, in a good and humorous way. I observed a lot in a little time, and left with a smile on my face. I thought about them throughout the day….wondering how long they sat there after we left, how many more tall and colorful drinks they ordered, how many more times they got so tickled that poufy hair white sneakers had to run back to the restroom.
I also hung on to the best statement I heard….”it should be against the law to be that stupid.” I have said things like that all my life, and it made me envision myself as one of the four in the not-that-far-away future. No doubt, I’d be the one with the near-fuchsia hair and hoop earrings. Most definitely.
So, in honor of these four women, whom I will probably never see again, I thought I’d write a few more laws in their honor. I’ve written about things like this before, so nothing new and exciting here….but just a few simple laws that, IF enforced, would no doubt make our world a better place.
So, our building block law– It’s against the law to be “that” stupid. Each district could decipher how stupid is “that” stupid.
JUDGE: Just HOW stupid was the defendant?
LAWYER: Your honor, he was “THAT” stupid.
As I tried to think of a few more laws that my fellow restaurant ladies would most likely approve, I decided that:
It should be against the law to sit in your car and wait on someone to back out from their parking space. The fine/offense is doubled if you start waiting on the spot before they even get IN their car…..like, when they are still loading their groceries into their car, and you are already waiting for their parking space. BAM….instant arrest.
It should be against the law for people to stand around in stores such as Target and Walmart and sneak up on you with a “hello there! how are you today?” and then immediately try to get you to sign up for Direct TV or rope you in to a time share. This probably IS against the law in some areas, but it sure isn’t at the Walmart I visited yesterday. I thought I’d never get out of there without a full Direct TV package and a time share in Sante Fe, New Mexico. I literally hid behind a rack of Atlanta Falcon’s t-shirts for three minutes until I felt like the coast was clear.
There should be a law against internet ads blowing up your screen, advertising something that you just looked at for seven seconds previously that day. I let my daughter look up a unicorn lake float yesterday, and this morning I couldn’t even see my Facebook for all the freaking unicorn lake floats all over the page. That’s STALKING. Leave me alone.
There should be a law, stating that all restaurants who include pictures of food on their menus, must make every item ordered look EXACTLY like it does in the picture on the menu. I’ve been let down way too many times in my life….excited to receive the food I just ordered, because it looked so pretty in the picture, only to see that the person who prepared it was obviously wearing a blindfold and didn’t even know how to cook.
I’ll conclude with a few that don’t involve morals, privacy, personal space or human emotion….but just simply shouldn’t be allowed because of down right stupidity.
*Wearing Ugg boots with shorts. Are you hot or are you cold? PICK ONE.
*Picking your nose in your car, like you think no one is seeing that crap.
*Being grumpy
*Spitting in public
*Saran wrap
*Back-to-school ads–ever. Just don’t.
*Wobbling tables in restaurants. Either fix them or throw them out. Quit stacking coasters under the bad leg. Just stop.
*Sandals worn over socks. Stop that crap.
So, if you know you’re doing something that’s just plain stupid, in honor of the four women I observed yesterday, in honor of your own dignity, and the future of our human race, just try to stop.
Wishing you a fun filled summer, peace and health. 🙂
Kickin' & Screamin' 