Kickin' & Screamin'

I’m a huge fan of the show Impractical Jokers.   I have a strong desire to be more like these people….even though they are mostly good at what they do because they are being filmed for their television show….I still feel like I could be “one of them” in real life.  IF I only had the nerve.  There are other versions of this particular type of insanity…such as Amy Rhodes, one of the writers of the Ellen show….who Ellen sends out to public places, where she communicates to people by only speaking song lyrics.  My favorite is when she approaches a woman in a Forever 21 store, and starts quoting “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley.  She starts to follow a woman, saying “Come on now, who do you-who do you-who do you think you are??  Ha Ha Ha…Bless your soul.  You really think you’re in control?”   You know that woman–who Amy Rhodes was talking to–HAD to be scared.  I love it.  I just love it.

And how ’bout Jack Vale??  Known for his “pooter”–which I actually don’t think is nearly as funny as his other pranks….he has become an internet sensation by completely freaking people out while his wife videos him.  If I only had the nerve to walk up to a stranger in the Home Depot parking lot and start talking to them as though we were old friends….telling them how much I enjoyed their karaoke performance last weekend….going on and on about how bad I wish I could sing Randy Travis songs as well as they did.  The look of horror in their eyes, as they don’t know what the heck to think…..Ahhh, if I only had the nerve.

One of the saddest things about being a prankster who loves to totally confuse and bewilder people is the invention of caller ID.  I can still remember the day when I realized that prank phone calls were no longer an option.  I used to absolutely love calling unsuspecting victims with random foolishness. I took great pride in my uniqueness.  I worked hard on my repertoire.  I would wait for the victim to answer, then I’d say “I know about the butter beans, and you should be ashamed of yourself.”  It made no sense, and that’s what made it funny.  Another favorite was to call someone, then say “Thank you for calling our movie hotline.  Blade Runner is showing at 12:45 and 2:15.  Back To The Future is showing at 3:35, 5:45 and 7:30.”  I would go on and on, and it was absolutely amazing how long people would stay on the line.

Some might wonder if my Mom was aware of my pranks….which were especially strange since I was actually a very shy youngster.  But those who know Mom well won’t be surprised at all to hear that she is the one who taught me–in a round about way–to have a little fun on the phone.

You see, growing up, our phone number was only one number different from the local Revco.  Not long after the Revco opened, we started getting phone calls…wrong numbers.  It didn’t take Mom long at all to decide that this phone number issue was an opportunity for some fun.  Throughout the day, she would often answer the phone by saying “Revco” rather than Hello.  I could hear her from the next room saying things like “yes sir–we have your prescription ready!” or “Yes!  We do sell fish tank bulbs!  And don’t forget, we are having a great sale on batteries this week!”  Those moments just reinforced what I already knew.  My Mom was the Bomb Diggity of all Moms.

So, being the shy youngster I was, I found true happiness in being a complete idiot in secret.  I’ll never forget the time my friend Jill’s boyfriend broke up with her…and we decided that the absolute best thing that we could do–to make her feel better and REALLY tell him off–would be to find his car (in the midst of the Friday night “cruising crowd” –near the mall, of course), and smear a huge amount of Cheez Whiz under his door handles.  We were so pleased with ourselves.  True satisfaction.  We go him TOLD.

Now I must state that I do NOT approve of pranks that are mean.  And no–the Cheez Whiz wasn’t mean….that guy had it coming to him.  I’m talking about those that really trick people in a bad way.   I got all torn up not long ago over a poor unsuspecting man I saw on TV.  My daughter was watching an old rerun of “America’s Funniest Home Videos”….and these people tricked their friend into thinking he has won $10,000 from a lottery ticket.  He was so excited….jumping up and down and doing little dances.  Then he found out it was a joke.  Now, that’s just mean.  Downright mean.

Since I can’t be a famous idiot–like the Impractical Jokers and the other before mentioned geniuses, I just live in a world where I do my own small acts of idiocy.   And without the good old prank calls and Friday night cruising with a handy can of Cheez Whiz, I’ve settled into a nice, nice routine of simple tasks that make me smile….though I know that very few others would chuckle at all.  What used to be “pranks” have now (in my old age) phased into silly attempts to make people smile……

I enjoy writing randomly odd things on my grocery list and leaving it stuck inside a People magazine for a future purchaser to find.  Just today, underneath my “real” list of milk, yogurt, and lemons, I added “pig meat-4 pack, Chinese soda-pop, super-size laxatives  and wet cat.” Thanks to the woman in front of me who took 10 minutes to write a check, I also had time to draw a little chicken at the bottom of the paper.  I left it underneath a pack of Trident Gum in the checkout line.  I hope someone found it.  I also keep little notes of wisdom in my wallet, and often scatter them around in the store. My most recent was “Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”  I left it stuck between two tomatoes at Kroger.  Again, I hope someone found it.

I often find pickles on sale at Publix–buy one get one free.  I like to leave a jar on the hood of someone’s car in the parking lot with a little note that says “Pickles for the People.  You’ve Been Chosen.”

Though I may have exposed myself to anyone who has found a jar of pickles on their car hood, or a grocery list stuck in the People magazine, right in front of the article on Kayne West, I just felt the need to say that–it feels good to attempt to make others laugh, or at least shake their head and say, “Wow….what a weirdo.”  I may not make a big mark on this world….but I can leave a few notes and pickles along the way.  Hey, that’s something.