My husband recently had a letter to the editor published in our local newspaper. He shared his views and utter disgust for littering. It was an exciting little happening for us. I agree with him, and I swear since he wrote the letter, the problem has just gotten worse. Or, maybe we are just noticing it more. Neither of us can fathom how someone can just be driving down the road, and decide to throw their McDonalds bag out of their car. I saw an empty egg carton on the median today, laying beside what appeared to be a dirty diaper. WHAT is wrong with people? You know what I really want to do? I want to make a citizens arrest–just like Gomer Pyle. I think those of us who truly desire our community to be clean and litter free should be allowed to have one of those groovy emergency lights in our car…you know, the ones you hold out the window, them slap on the roof of your car….just like Charlie’s Angels, man. We could take an oath, swearing that we won’t abuse our privilege of having our cool light….then anytime we see someone flick a cigarette out their window, we could slap that sucker on top of car and pull the culprit over, proclaiming “Citizen’s Arrest!”
I guess the whole idea is risky. The culprits could be armed, drugged, or just plain mean. It could get dangerous. Therefore, those of us armed with a special light would also need a stun gun. Yes, a stun gun. Punishments could range from community service hours–cleaning up litter, of course, to being forced to stand in front of Kroger with a sign saying “I am a filthy litter bug. Boo and hiss as you pass by.”
There is, of course, a true and serious problem with the general stupidity of mankind…things that happen every day that are either unbelievably still not against the law, or are simply not treated as punishable crimes as they should be. Examples that pop into my mind are smoking around children, chaining/tethering or any other mistreatment of animals, leaving children in the car, neglect, and….I’m already realizing that all every offense I can think of is either against a child or an animal. That’s where my heart is.
But back to the dream of the true Citizen’s Arrest….To make this pretend (unfortunately) situation even more satisfying, let’s just add a few other community violations that could be considered basis for a Citizen’s Arrest:
*Wearing a cell phone on your belt
*Wearing leggings as pants
*Making obnoxious popping sounds with your chewing gum
*Saying “Get ‘er done”
*Leaving your Christmas lights up past January 3
*Continuously posting photos of your dinner on Facebook
*Standing closer than three feet away from the person in front of you in line at the grocery store
*Sitting at the fast food drive through window more than five seconds after receiving your food (Do you really need to put your straw in your Coke BEFORE you drive off from the window???)
*Nose picking
*Butt-crack exposure
*Tearing pages out of the magazines in the doctor’s office
As I write, I am compelled to visit dumblaws.com, to leave you with a few head-shaking facts. The people that made up these laws obviously had too much time on their hands and a sense of humor. We’ve all heard the one that states that it’s against the law to eat fried chicken with a fork in the state of Georgia….but some of these I’m definitely reading for the first time. I just wish they would add a few of my ideas to the list. Nonetheless, I shall share…..
In she state of Georgia, it is against the law to:
*Tease an idiot (I’m guilty)
*Use a blowgun within city limits (stink bombs are also illegal within city limits)
*Have a picnic in a graveyard (I’ve seen people doing this)
*Using profanity in front of a dead body
*Carrying an ice cream cone in your back pocket on a Sunday (apparently acceptable on other days)
….and the one that just blows my mind–
*Keeping a donkey in your bathtub.
To conclude with focus on my initial point….Don’t litter, y’all. No one wants to see your trash. Put it where it belongs. Give a damn about your surroundings….take PRIDE in the beauty of where we live. Don’t trash it. Don’t be an idiot. And for the rest of us….next time you see those idiots throwing their trash out their car window, just whip out your best Gomer Pyle, and yell out a “Citizen’s Arrest!” (but don’t tease these idiots….because THAT is actually against the law).
Kickin' & Screamin' 